Published March 12, 2009
the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye
he put on his boots and went to work.
the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye
mom saw the truck flash down the street
the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye
took an axe, broke down the door
the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye
carrying people, out of the flames
the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye
timbers cracking, smoke 'awreathing
i hold a flower close to me,
i know fathers watching over me.
a petal falls, ever tired
i catch it, hold it
it smells like fire.
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Canary word: Present
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
i thought that was very heart felt but it didn't flow as well as it should have and i kind of got lost within the words. The meaning was not as clear as i would have hoped but all in all it was pretty good.
Ok, so this is very well written, I just have a lot of time for nit-picking. I actaully love the idea. It was very unique for me. I would just like to see more description. I do like how you blended fire with flowers. That concept was amazing. =] Keep writing.
Peacee
-Writing for love is a passion-
Hey there Silas Switch! Welcome to YWS.
I'm Kat. Nice to meet you ^^
As Colt has mentioned above you should review other two works before you post your own.
So, on to the review!
The first thing here is grammar. It should be written like this (with capitalized beginnings and punctuation):
"The day I didn't woke up,
to kiss father goodbye,"
This is nice. And good beginning.
Again, you in the first lines you said "wake". That's in the Present. So there is a tense problem. I corrected on the first quote.
Sorry, this is a quick review, and it will stay for this, but I got to go.
Hope I helped!
*Kat*
PM me if you need anything!
Hello! I'm Colt, a newer member myself! Welcome to YWS!
I see you are new, but we have a rule here saying you cannot post your work without reviewing two other pieces of work yourself. Sorry. It's the law.
I will do a smaller review, until you do reviews. I may come back and make it longer.
I noticed several grammar errors, mainly with capitalization. Please at least capitalize your one letter words like A and I.
The verses sound short, I'd add to them. There's too much repetition, the piece gets a bit boring and predictable.
It was still good and interesting. Good job!